when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize