Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
