You smell like a Billy Joel song
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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