The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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