i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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