I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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