if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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