Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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