Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize