I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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