There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
