i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
