I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
