Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
