so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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