I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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