my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
