you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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