Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
