New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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