I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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