i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Boobs are out for the taking
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
