Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
