How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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