i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
