apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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