So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
