Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
