dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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