i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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