you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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