Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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