you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
