fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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