My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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