Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
