who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
