Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
