The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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