Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Mom said you looked used
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
