Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
