i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
