I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
