You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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