I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
