I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
