im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
