My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
