I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
