Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize