When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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