She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize