even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
