So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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