I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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