so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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