I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
